Monday, July 05, 2004
Days 10,11 and 12 - Shouting, nosehair, snoring, bums and lost internet connections
well, this is going to be an interesting weblog to write, mainly because the internet connection at the school is now down for everyone, so i am typing [if that is what you can call it] from an internet phone booth. Talk about your different experiences...here I am in a phone booth, waiting for my bus, typing on this metallic keypad that gives the feel of an old telegraph machine. Ah, the wonders of our age. Okay, lots to catch up on.
When last we were together, I was still in the middle of the conference?
I learned a great deal about the British way of shouting down your opponents. This first is to treat their paper they just presented, one which presumably they have spent hours upon and which they have sought to present some aspect of God as an act of worship as the rough equivalent of Russian toilet paper. I have never seen such disregard for quality academic work in my life. The next thing to do is to bring in the academic version of the hired assassins, the philosophers. One very brilliant and passionate theologians had about ten philosophers come in just for his paper. The result was a lot of heated interchange (from the philosophers end), a lot of irenic banter from the presenter, and a sense of stunned silence by the three Americans in the room who knew nothing about the fifty year squabble that began with this presenters father and with one of the philosopher?s mentors. I tell you, the Hatfield and the McCoys have nothing on British academic circles. I was worried that blood was going to be found on the carpet outside the room. Its own thing to take your work and faith seriously, another all together to have your blood pressures rise to 210 over 160, all over points that were really not major. Ah well, if you can?t win, you might as well at least bludgeon your opponent. The funny thing is that almost all of the attackers, during all four days, were Scots, a country where less than 2% of the people actually attend church. You think maybe, just maybe, they could spend their time and energy on something, oh, I don?t know, that will actually advance the gospel????
Now, there is something I noticed about English Christian academics that may seem very shallow, but has to be said. First off, these are the least attractive human beings I have ever seen. They are all about 50 pounds over weight, all have hair growing out of every body spot that is visible, and they all scowl (yes, my smile was as misplaced as an American flag at the English vs. Portugal football match. And apparently when you get your Phd here you under go a ?humour? removal, because even the obvious jokes were me by, well, stares ? as if someone (mostly me) had suddenly suggested that maybe the Muslims had the conception of God right after all, or worse, that the greatest piece of theology in past twenty years was the Prayer of Jabeez. Then there was their dress. Putting aside the fact that everyone aside from the Americans in the room had clothes that looked like they had been wadded up in their suitcases (which is possible), they had mismatched, too small, and clothes that otherwise looked like the Passovers at that Goodwill store on Nevada in Colorado Springs. I wanted to bring them all back to the Primemark store here in Manchester and refit them all. And I wont even discuss why not a one of them, aside I am glad to say for my own professor, wore a belt with their pants (and trust me, they all needed it). I have seen my future, and it certainly isn?t the cover of GQ. If you see Tanya, please console her about having to live with hairy, poor dressed, overweight husband for the rest of her life.
Although, that may not be the case. I managed by a series of inquires to determine that of the people in the room, there was only one non-first born or only child in the mix. You are receiving his view of the conference right now. Is it strange that I, a last born, should be in the midst? They certainly saw it as such. Apparently, newcomers never speak (not because it is not allowed, it just never happens). The curse of last-borns is they never stay quiet (see, I am a victim of my birth-order) I was assured by each of the paper-givers that my questions were indeed sharp and thoughtful. But they still were not sure what to make of me.
Okay, typing now from underneath a shade tree on campus during a rainstorm, unsure of when you will receive this because the servers are all down on campus, and well, who knows if anyone here can fix these things. If I had to bet, the electricity will break soon, so I may not even be able to read soon.
The food?oh yes, the retreat center indicated it could handle vegetarians. But can anyone tell me why the idea of ?Augratin Cauliflower? even exists??? I tried it, and, well, lets just say I would rather have another kidney stone. So, I decided to venture into the town for a spot of good food. Searched everywhere for the right place to eat. Where did I find it? A pub called the Frog and the Ferret! Can you imagine a more perfect pub for yours truly. I had their ?Veggetrain sampler? which was yummy except for the ?salad,? which consisted of some quickly decaying browning leaves huddled in the corner, as if to say to me, ?Have you not suffered enough?? The atmosphere was exactly what you would expect at a little pub in a little town: chain smoking barman, kids drinking who were far from 18, and everyone still talking about how England was robbed by the Swiss referee against Portugal (I even heard a voice or two for invading Switzerland and finding the records of the illegal payments to the referee).
The town also had this enormous cathedral, one of the largest in all of England. Needless to say, it is a tourist attraction. I could tell this because some of the back pews, and I swear I am not making this up, actually had dust on them. I am guessing you could fit the entire town in there if need be. Still, it is always cool to walk on the floor of an 8th century cathedral, complete with graves of Crusaders underneath the flooring! (By the way, it occurs to me the real reason Wheaton changed its name from Crusaders is they finally figured out that the Christians lost the Crusades.)
Took a hike in the process to my first English Safeway. Was it like being home? Well no, the isles are smaller, the food is all weird, and for some reason the candy isle is a full isle by itself. I would bring some to you all, but based on the sugar content was so high that I think it would count as a narcotic in the States, and with my tight schedule in Chicago coming back, the last thing I need is for the drug dogs to have a field day with my luggage.
I had previously mentioned that I was residing at the conference with my friend Phil and a Hungarian Old Testament scholar (you don?t see that everyday!). Well, Wednesday night I got to experience a first in my life ? snoring in two different languages at once. My dear wife is only an occasional snorer, so this was my first experience in full stereophonic snoring. I am pleased to tell you that Hungarian snoring is different in tone, but not in annoyance, as American snoring. If purgatory is anything like sleeping with two snorers from two countries at once, I am glad that Evangelicals have dropped the idea of Purgatory.
Well, the conference ended on Thursday?which was good, because I had no idea how painful it was to listen to 13 papers in the course of four days. Yikes, my attention span is not that good. For the most part, the papers were good, and I even found a Singaporean Phd candidate who is using some of the same sources as I am to trade ideas with (he is going in a different direction however). Made one huge booboo. When discussing what happens in a society where an incorrect, caricature, of the atonement becomes prevalent, I shared a statistic about how in the South, where penal substitution is the norm of atonement doctrines, Christians have a higher rate of child abuse then the society at large. Laughter erupted ? ?You mean Surrey has a doctrine of the atonement?? ?Cant picture people in Penzance discipling their kids at all.? Yep ? forgot I was in England!!! How embarrassing J ?No, no, I mean the South of the U.S. (as I turned a pleasant shade of off-pink).
So, we packed up our bags (and the books we bought for 50% off), and headed back to Manchester?which I actually referred to as ?home.? Wow! Now that is a switch. Though it might simply be I wanted a night with no snoring. My bed may be lumpy, but it is in a room with no partners. (sidenote ? the beds at the retreat center were, for reasons unexplained, only 5 feet 6 inches long. This created a new found experience of having my feet fall asleep before me ? I have new found sympathy for all of your who are tall!)
One other note about the retreat center. None of their phones took calling cards. Why? I think they must get kick-backs from British Telecomm, because the phones at the phone booths (finally got to use oneJ) cost 30p a minute which made even telling Tanya I love her truly a costly venture ? though she might have preferred flowers J.
Back in Manchester I had to deal with my fine friend Phil rubbing it in that he is going home on Saturday. For the past two days that is all I heard ? morning noon and night. We went to the same Italian restaurant again Thursday night and that was all he could talk about. Well, that and the fact that the fashion of young women wearing their pants so low (and again, with no belts ? hey maybe those Phds were trying to be ?fashionable?) that when they bent over to take orders you could see, well, you can guess. Ughhhh!!!!! Lets just say that there are some fashions that should never be adopted.
So tomorrow (Saturday), I begin my time all alone. I am heading again to Oxford (why not, its got lots of fun stuff to do). My time here has been? well less than useful. The library is being rebuilt so the books are strewn hither and yither (and with no sense of why or where to find things), no internet, no professors around to talk to. Ah well, still its summer in Manchester.
Manchester • Summer 2004 • (44) Comments • (0) Trackbacks • Permalink
