Thursday, November 29, 2007
Being Bi-Polar and Empty: The Struggle of Communicating When You have Nothing to Say
Well, it has officially been two months since I posted last. Why? Let me explain below:
"We live in a cynical world...” - the far better line from the movie Jerry Maguire (I think that the other line referred to something about money). Cynicism is the veil that more and more people, especially in my generation (the one labeled X by demographers). Cynicism gives us the right to complain about all things and change nothing. Well, let me tell you about my cynical life.
I have suffered for over 14 years now with bi-polar depression. At least that was when it was diagnosed. Being bi-polar means you live life between the extremes of total empowerment and a willingness to take on everything (usually with rudeness that fails to understand that other people might also have ideas and, well, feelings) and the sense that the world has ended, that nothing really matters, least of all yourself. Thankfully for the past few years I have been on a medication that strictly speaking is designed for depression, no bi-polar conditions, but has been very effective at keeping in order when mixed with good sleep, eating right and exercise (thank you Forest Pharmaceuticals the makers of Lexapro).
But even good medications (especially when you forget to take them) cannot fight against a cynical feeling and total exhaustion. That is my story. At one point this summer I began to look at my travel schedule, all the things I had committed to do, and most importantly my responsibilities to my family and realized I was heading for trouble. Well, I underestimated this hugely.
For those of you who don’t know, I completed the work on a PhD in January of this year - in less than 3.5 years of full-time, gut-wrenching pushing. During that time I was working near-full-time hours, we added two children to our then one, I had four surgeries (both wrists for carpel tunnel, a foot and a shoulder), and had about a dozen kidney stones, a colonoscopy and a heavy scare with blood cancer.
All of which is to say that I probably pushed my sanity, my well-being, and my body to the edge. So, when I got the official notice in May that I had been conferred the degree of PhD, we thought that I could start a new stage in life. But, you know, the body simply did not think that was the case. My body gave out, but more importantly to those of us who understand we are primarily intellectual beings (okay, I know better, but that is the way I operate) my brain gave out. In the end, I was no longer able to make two coherent sentences come out together. When I lasted posted in September, it was largely in response to a question that someone sent me. But the truth is that I was not and am not passionate about what I am writing.
A Bi-Polar condition in one who is driven by passion is not a good thing (as my wife will attest) but at least we live in an era where it is okay to be “crazy.” I have read old reports at several of my workplaces (I keep getting archivist jobs) of employees where once someone was found out to have depression they were viewed as a candidate for Bellevue (the of mentioned mental hospital during 1970s sitcoms set in New York, which it seemed they all were). And the manic stages? Well, it is interesting so see how some people were sometimes viewed as “rude” and other times as very kind and gentle. Clearly bi-polar folks.
Look, I don’t want sympathy (okay, I do, we all do to some extent). But having my mental condition to go along with a 37 year old body far better at producing kidney stones than 20 foot jump shots and racked with arthritis is not exactly going to change soon. So, I have to face the fact – I am who I am, and if it means that I go through a few months where the only thing I write is a four part ode to my 2 year old about her toes…well, that is okay! I have read enough work by other PhDs to know that my odes may be the least harmful thing to society that a PhD has produced.
Which is where cynicism comes in. I believe in passion. I believe in actually believing in something. Even if you are totally wrong, if you are going to believe in something – act on it, live it out, and if you find it doesn’t work or you don’t really care, well, start searching for something new. But me…well, right now I don’t believe in much, and that is where cynicism becomes the replacement for passion. The past two months there was lots I could have written about but didn’t, because what I would have written would have been pure cynicism – looking like I cared when I knew I didn’t and that, more importantly, my opinion really doesn’t matter. You know what – cynicism just is not worthwhile. It may keep the gears lubricated and working, but the price on the long-term quality of what is produced is high – very high – when one decides to return to actually caring about something. So, rather than be cynical I have simply not written.
I have had nothing to say, nothing to add. My favourite cartoon character has to be Ron Stoppable, the erstwhile side-kick and later boyfriend of teen superhero Kim Possible. His tag line is “I have nothing to add here.” Well, I have had nothing to add here. I have kept reading a lot of blogs and websites these past few months, and in the end, I am not sure they add much to my life or to our debate. Even my favourite sites, like Hugh Hewitt, have become less interesting to me. Hugh has clearly chosen to back Mitt Romney for President, which is fine (I may end up supporting him as well), but somehow Hugh thinks he is still not really endorsing Mitt and that he is objective about Mitt coverage. Hugh is not cynical, but his passions have made him unaware of being a homer, which, while not cynicism leads to it among readers.
I used to read the far-left blogs. But my gosh, if a banana fell from a tree in Guatemala it was George Bush’s fault, and that is the kind of passion turned dementia that I dare say is cynicism on steroids. If someone really cares that much about hating anyone – even the New England Patriots – that person needs a hobby. So, I have found myself tuning out the far-left, the far-right, and the young edgy cynical voices all over the place. Because the truth was, while I finally realized that I had nothing to say anymore, these people not only did not realize that they had nothing new and substantive to say, they had not realized they were repeating what they had already said without making any more sense. Or maybe that was simply my bi-polar depression.
So, I have stayed away from the keyboard. I have chosen not to write until I have something to say. These past 10 weeks or so have made me clear of a few things. One that it is important to know your passions and live there as much as possible. Two, that when you pursue something with all your heart, like I did with my PhD, that in the end you may not really care anymore. And third, and most importantly, that those who can consistently, day in and day out write about things with passion, with genuine humour, and rarely repeat themselves…well, those are truly amazing people.
Which brings me back to my favourite website in the whole world – http://www.lileks.com. James Lileks, former humourist for the Minnesota Star Tribune now lead internet writer for the Tribune’s website, http://www.buzz.mn, has been a godsend. Both in his updating on buzz.mn and on his daily (M-F) on-line articles called the Bleat (http://www.lileks.com/bleats/index.html) you get someone who, while he has an opinion on everything (as do I) does not take his opinions to be so important that they are stop the press type stuff. He is funny, yes with a dash of cynicism but only a dash, while living real life. Reading his column, and re-reading such items as his send-up of the by-gone hotel called the Gobbler (http://www.lileks.com/institute/motel/gob1.html) have been one of the few ropes to keep me above water while the rest of the internet and talk-radio world talk about Hillary, Mitt, Rudi and Obama or about the Patriots, the Red Sox’s, the Celtics (boy, I guess I have deep animus towards Boston), or whomever the media calls the latest “Greatest Team of All Time.”
I may not have anything to say, but there are people who do, and who at the same time recognize that what they say is not going to change the world, but may make it a bit more interesting, fun, or interesting. It is difficult to admit that I don’t have anything to say, since I am a word person these days, but at least I could during the past two months go to:
While you are at it, buy one of James’s books, which make a great holiday gift of humour without one Clinton or Bush joke needed
http://author.nationalreview.com/?q=MjE1Mg==
Jay Nordlinger, the most well-rounded of writers at National Review. Jay writes about his passions, which are varied and interesting, and he will make you think, even when you disagree with him. He too has a new book out, a collection of his articles:
http://dennisprager.townhall.com/ - Dennis is really thoughtful about so many things but has never turned to cynicism for its cheap and easy words that will grab an audience but will not leave them better people for having listened or read.
And finally, the funniest cartoon, especially for those with any experience in the United Kingdom, Matt Cartoon, found everyday (usually) at http://www.telegraph.co.uk
But what about me and this site? Well, I am going back to writing, though it may still be on-again-off-again until I find my passions again, and my desire to write. But I am keeping my “No Cynicism” vow. I will not give into make a big deal about small things. I will not try and be clever to take the place of genuinely interesting things to say. I will not point out problems unless I can introduce some solution.
Maybe some day I can write as well as Lileks, be as interesting as Jay, as serious but gentle as Dennis and as catchy as Matt. Until then, check in here for the work in progress and read my favourite writers to keep yourself sane, happy, and laughing.
